The Parent Line

Although communicating feelings is easier for some children than for others, it is a skill all children can learn. Parents can help children gain these skills by the simple technique of STOP, LOOK, and LISTEN. If your child is talking to you, stop what you are doing and pay close attention to what your child is trying to say. To help focus on the situation, turn off the television, take a few deep breaths, and really look at your child. Getting down to the child's level (maybe sit on the floor together) and making eye contact is a great way to connect with your child. You are now ready to listen to what your child's body language and words are saying, and to help your child share her feelings. Wait for your child to finish speaking and avoid the temptation to jump in. Here are some tips from Dr. Stephen Bavolek, author of the Nurturing Parenting Programs:

1. Label the feeling you see or think you see. Saying "you look angry," or "you seem so proud" helps your child feel believed and respected. It's also ok if your child is not ready to talk about it. Offer again to listen when he's ready.

2. Let children know all feelings are okay. All feelings, even anger, are valid and useful in communication. It is the accompanying behavior that is bad or good. For example, "you seem mad, and that's ok, but throwing your plate is not ok."

3. Don't dominate the conversation. Encourage your child to do most of the talking. Children can think and communicate better when someone is not advising, blaming, or criticizing.

4. Ask questions to help children understand cause and effect. You can ask your child "why do you think the baby is crying?" Also, use if-then statements like "if children get hit, then they feel hurt and sad."

5. Brainstorm what, if anything, needs to be done. Sometimes comforting your child, or simply listening to her is all that needs to be done. You can also encourage your child to take ownership of the solution by saying, "let's think of some things you can do to feel better."

6. When a child wants something, honor their feelings. If you are shopping with your child and he wants a toy, instead of always saying "no," you can say "1 see you like that toy, let's put that on your birthday list." This shows you are recognizing the desire instead of forbidding your child.

7. Teach your child to express her emotional energy. All feelings have emotional energy that needs expression. Sometimes, talking about the situation is enough of a release. Help your child find appropriate activities that do not harm her, others, or the environment. Playing with play dough, swimming, running, or climbing at the park are great ways to release the emotional energy.

8. Praise your child for handling feelings appropriately. When your child chooses a positive way to manage his feelings, let him know. "Hey son, I like how you chose to talk about being mad. Good job."

A: Biting, can be very alarming and upsetting to parents. It can be stopped, but be prepared to work on it consistently for a while. Some suggestions:

· Act immediately when biting occurs. Remove your child to a sofa, corner, pillow or nearby area. With a minimum amount of talk and attention, say "No biting, biting hurts. Stay here until you are ready to try again without biting." When your child lets you know she has calmed down and is ready to try again, help her return to the play activity. Be consistent. Use this method every time she bites and be as patient and calm as you can.

· In quieter moments, while reading and talking, work with your daughter on how to express feelings, and how to use words to solve problems. It's important to teach alternate ways of dealing with anger and other feelings by using words. Teach your child to say, "Don't take my toy." or "That makes me mad when you push me, so stop it." or "I don't like that." These are appropriate words instead of biting.

· When your daughter is sharing or is using words to handle feelings, immediately reinforce the positive behavior with praise such as "You are really sharing." or "You are using your words, good for you!^"

In order to help your child build communication skills, it is very important to pay attention to what your child is trying to say. Listen carefully and summarize what you think you heard him say and then repeat it back. For example, "Let me see if I understand...you are angry because you wanted to keep playing with your toys instead of going to the store?^" This will give your child the opportunity to point out any differences in what he actually meant and what you heard. You don't always have to fix the problem. Acknowledging the problem is often enough-it validates the child's feelings. While speaking with your child, keep a calm, friendly voice. You might need to take a break to cool off if you feel yourself getting frustrated. Allow your child the chance to have a difference of opinion. The most important thing is working towards a resolution that you and your child can live with.

Keeping an active preschooler busy is often challenging. Take advantage of the Tiny Tot Program offered through the City and County of Honolulu Parks and Recreation Department. There is little or no cost and most district or community parks offer the program during the regular school year. It is a great time for your preschooler to socialize with other children and participate in crafts, songs, and games. It also provides an opportunity for parents to meet other parents/children from their neighborhood. Most of the parks have limited enrollment and you will need to register at the park once every three months. Most parks also require a parent/guardian to stay with the child. If you are interested, call the district offices listed below and ask when the next registration date will be. Neighbor Island families, please check with your local parks for playgroups in your area.

April is Prevent Child Abuse Month. Keeping children safe is the responsibility of every adult in the community. If you have any reason to believe that a child has been or may be harmed Please Dial 9-1-1- or call the Oahu 24-hour hotline at 832-5300. Neighbor Island calls may be made Monday - Friday to the following numbers: East Hawaii 933-0350, West Hawaii 327-4787, Kauai 274-3320, Maui 243-5143, Molokai 553-1703, Lanai 565-7102. This information is provided by Prevent Child Abuse Hawaii (www.preventchildabuse hawaii.org, 951-0200)

April is also Autism Awareness Month, Autism is a neurological disorder that impairs the ability to relate to others and the outside world. It may occur in 1 in 500 children, While autism is more prevalent in boys than in girls, it is found in all racial, educational, and income groups. For more information on autism, please call the Autism Society of Hawaii at 808-228-0122 or 808-282-3676.

The Parent Line: Free statewide phone line for parents and others caring for children. Call for support, encouragement, information, and ideas about handling behavior or about community resources. Mon-Fri 8 a.m.-6 p.m. and Sat 9 a.m.-1p.m. O'ahu Ph. 526-1222. Neighbor Island parents call toll-free: 1-800-816-1222.

H-KISS information line for parents of children 0-3 with special needs. Hours are Monday - Friday 8:30 a.m. - 3:00 p.m. O'ahu: 594-0066; Neighbor Island parents may call toll free: 1-800-235-5477.