Discipline comes from a word meaning. "to teach". The goal of discipline is to teach children to be responsible and cooperative. Discipline is necessary to prevent your child from hurting himself/herself (disobeying safety rules), hurting other people (hitting, rudeness), or destroying property (damaging furniture or toys). It is important for children to: 1) understand what behavior is required from them and be taught what the rule is and how to be successful at it; 2) have the rule consistently enforced--immediate positive reinforcement when they follow the rule and immediate consequences when they do not; 3) be given another opportunity to try and succeed and have the success acknowledged; 4) maintain dignity if they are unable to "get it right" after repeated tries; and 5) be encouraged by small steps, even if they cannot get the whole rule in place at once. Discipline is a life-long learning process and success is measured by effort at least as much as by achievement.

The following steps may help you to discipline your children in a firm, yet loving manner.

1. Teach your child about the rule. For example, you might tell the child that if she continues to throw sand, she will lose the privilege of playing in the sandbox; then suggest some constructive things that she can do with the sand instead of throwing it. It is important to help children understand that their behavior is their responsibility. Your child must understand that the choice is up to her, however be sure to tell and/or show her what you want her to do (re-direct and role model). Remind your child only once. If she persists in doing what she has been asked not to do, take calm and immediate action.
   
   
2. Remove your child from the situation if she chooses not to follow the rules. Repeat the rule and say, "Oops, you forgot the rule. You need a time out and then you can try again". This is more effective than allowing the child to run off and involve herself in another play activity. Removing your child from the play situation interrupts her fun and is an unpleasant consequence for choosing not to follow directions.
   
   
3. Once the child has been removed from the situation, explain that she will have the next several minutes to calm herself and that she may return to the activity when she is calm and can agree to play according to the rules. Some children are able to tell you when they are calm and ready to return; others may need your help.
   
   
4. When the child is calm, acknowledge her feelings in an understanding way. Be firm and clear about the rule and the reason for it. "I know you are angry, but I can't let you throw sand when it can hurt someone.” Keep the explanation simple and do not shame the child; Do not give in to the temptation to talk too much. Make your point using as few words as possible, and move on. Allow your child to return to the sandbox to try again.
   
   
5. Follow up by "catching your child doing something right". Be sure to notice when he/she is following rules and playing cooperatively. Encourage the behavior by saying something specific like, "You are playing so nicely by keeping the sand in the sandbox and following the rules. Good for you!" Play with your child briefly in order to reinforce her appropriate behavior.
   
   
6. Know that you are doing and trying your best in these situations. It is not easy to be calm, firm or consistent when disciplining you child. It takes a great deal of patience and energy but is well worth the effort.

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"A PARENT ASKS"

Q: How can I handle shopping with my three-year-old son?

A: Shopping trips are good opportunities for learning and bonding. The key is to plan your trip at a time when your child is well rested, such as early morning or after a nap. Shopping may not be fun for a preschooler, and is easier to tolerate when he is feeling good.

Keep the length of your excursion to a minimum. Decide ahead of time what you will get and where you will get it, rather than wandering into a store and browsing.

Before you start, tell your child where you are going and what you are looking for. Shopping is easier for children to deal with if they know your plans and the number of stops you will make. Preparation is one way to prevent negative experiences. Once in the store, your child might be able to "help" with the selection of gifts or groceries. This is where parents can reinforce basic concepts like colors, numbers, shapes, and simple problem solving.

You might stop every half-hour or so to relax with your child. The boredom of shopping, which can cause misbehavior, is relieved when you stop often and give your full attention to your child. A snack or cool drink may be appreciated.

Sometimes, parents experience stress of their own from being in a hurry or not finding what they need to buy. Because you may be stressed, your child's behavior may be magnified and seem worse than it is. Do not be surprised if your child is whiney, demanding, or ill-tempered. Pay as little attention as possible to your child's negative behavior. Of course, no one likes to go through a store with a crying three-year-old, but threats and punishment do not help and will only end up making you both more tense.

For those times when you know you may not be able to effectively deal with your preschooler's behavior, you may want to leave him with another caregiver while you run your errand. You might also want to plan your shopping trip with a friend who has a child your son's age. That way, the adults can take turns shopping and watching the children.

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"PARENTS WANT TO KNOW"

• Acknowledge specific feelings. "I know you want the doll and you are angry that you have to give it back to Jenny. It's O.K. to be angry, but you can't pull the doll out of Jenny’s hands while she is playing with it."
  
  
• Be understanding: "I know it is hard when you can't do what you want. I feel that way sometimes too."
  
  
• Offer reminders: "You have a hard time remembering not to pull the dog's hair, don't you? I'll help you remember."
  
  
• Also notice good behavior: "You've been doing a lot better with the dog lately. I'll bet he likes it too."

• PACT - Parents and Children Together - The PACT respite program provides three hours of free childcare, one day per week, for families under stress with children six weeks to five years of age. For applications and Windward and Honolulu locations, call the Program Supervisor at 841-1027.
  
  
• Hawaii Family Services - Hawaii Family Services' respite program provides two and a half-hours of free childcare per week at Wai'anae Ho'onanea. Respite also available for grandparents raising grandchildren. For applications, call the Program Director at 696-3482.
  
  
• Family Care Center - Three hours of free respite care on Wednesday mornings is provided at the Pearl City Community Church. Preference is given to single parents and parents experiencing stress. Call 455-4148 for more information.
  
  
• HUGS - Help Understanding and Group Support - HUGS offers free respite care to families of young children with life-threatening illness. Call the HUGS office at 732-4846.
  
  

The Parent Line: Free statewide phone line for parents and others caring for children. Call for support, encouragement, and information on community resources.
Monday - Friday: 8:00 a.m. - 6:00 p.m.
and Saturday: 9:00 a.m. - 1:00 p.m.
O'ahu: ph. 526-1222. Neighbor Islands:
call toll-free: 1-800-816-1222

VISIT THE WEBSITE AT: www.theparentline.org