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All children need to know what they may and may not do. They find great comfort in rules and need to know what the rules are in your home and community. Giving your child limits tells them that you care enough about them to watch out for them and keep them safe. Some things to consider about setting limits:
- Prepare your child before a difficult situation or a new experience with some helpful ideas for good behavior. You will be helping your child learn what behavior is expected and ways to handle the situation. For example, before taking your child to an indoor movie theater for the first time, discuss the rules, such as using a quiet voice, staying near you, and walking rather than running up the aisles. Talk about what your child will see and about the darkness in the theater.
- Make sure the rules are fair to both you and your child and that you are willing to obey them as well. For example, as you insist on having your child use a safety belt in the car, put your safety belt on as well.
- Before you make a rule, ask yourself "how strongly do I feel about this?" Decide on rules that are important enough that you will enforce them consistently. If you are inconsistent, a child becomes very confused and may act out and challenge you.
- Rules should be realistic. Select rules that your child will have the ability to follow. A rule such as "No talking in line" will be very hard to follow. Try not to make rules that you know will be broken. A more reasonable rule would be "Talk softly in line."
- Rules should be positive in nature. The purpose of rules is to help children act appropriately. Therefore, the most effective rules tell children what to do rather than what not to do. A rule such as "don't leave games on the table" tells your child nothing about what he/she should do with the games. A rule such as "Put the games on the shelf when you are done" lets your child know exactly what is expected.
- The goal of setting limits is to help your child develops self-control. Children should not follow rules because they are hoping for a reward or because they are afraid of punishment. Children like to understand the rules they are being asked to follow. When adults explain why the rule is important, children are more likely to develop self-control and try to comply.
- Notice the times your child obeys your rules. Praise your child for what a good job he/she did remembering and following the rules. Try to praise more often than correcting and nagging your child. It is not always easy and does take some energy but the reward is greater! Your child will cooperate and handle rules better
- Your child will probably not stop testing the limits you have set. This is normal behavior. It is a way for your child to achieve independence. However, it will help your child be more secure if she knows that the adults in his/her life will continue to have reasonable limits for him/her as well as guide him/her in a positive way to meet those limits.
SUGGESTED READING: Some excellent books are available. Those at the State Libraries include call numbers:
For Parents:
• Setting Limits by Robert MacKenzie (649.64M)
• Positive Parenting From A to Z by Karen Renshaw Joslin (649.6JO)
• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen by Adele Faber (649.1F)
• Discipline Without Shouting or Spanking by Wyckoff (649.1W)
For Children:
• I'm Mad by Elizabeth Crary (J152.47C)
• I Want It by Elizabeth Crary (J158.25C)
• I Can't Wait by Elizabeth Crary (J158.25C)
• I'm Frustrated by Elizabeth Crary (J152.47C)
For Older Children:
• Be Good by Joy Wilt Berry (J158.2B)
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"A PARENT ASKS" |
Q: My 2-year-old son loves to look at books but he sometimes he tears the pages. I want him to enjoy books but I don't want him to damage them. "What can I do instead of yelling at him?
A: Before he uses books again, calmly talk with him about your rules for reading books. Tell him, "We treat books gently. We turn pages carefully. This keeps the books nice so we can read them again." Show him how to turn the pages. Have fun reading the book. Next, when you see him getting a book ask him if he remembers the rules. If he does, say, "You remembered the rule. Good for you." If he can't remember the rule, remind him of the rules you discussed earlier. As he reads the book and is careful with the pages, tell him, "You are doing a good job of being careful (or gentle) with the pages of the book." If he starts to tear the pages, take the book away and say, "We need to be gentle with the book. I'll put the book away and you can try again in a little while." He may want to try again immediately and you may want to give him another chance. Either way, repeat the process the next day. Remember: Let him know when he is doing a good job!
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"PARENTS WANT TO KNOW" |
During the first five years of a child's life there is tremendous brain development and growth. The brain begins growing while the baby is in the womb and grows very rapidly in physical and mental ways through the preschool years. At birth, the brain weighs only 25% of its eventual adult weight. It TRIPLES in size during the first year after birth and grows to its full size sometime around age 5. Research over the past 30 years has revealed that babies, toddlers and preschoolers are incredible learn-ing machines. They are like scientists, constantly experimenting and testing. They have a lot to test because there is so much to learn and experience! They have a lot to touch, hear, smell, taste, and see. That's how they learn. In these early years, a child's brain is more adaptive to learning and experimenting. This period of time is considered critical for brain development that will last throughout the child's life. Although we continue to learn and grow through teen years and adulthood, the foundation and expansion of a child's brain capacity is of the highest quality in early childhood. What happens to your child during the early years is so important that it influences the structure and content of his or her brain and how your child will learn later in life. Your child depends on you for this good start. Fortunately, this good start is something that any parent or caregiver can give. It doesn't require advanced or technical training to have a positive impact on a young child. When you talk, sing, hug, play with, and read to a child, what you are doing is helping your child's mind grow. You can help a child touch and explore things of different sizes, shapes, colors, and textures. You can play music and dance with a child, walk to the park and take a swim at the beach. You can talk to them about everything you are seeing and doing. When they touch or taste things that are not acceptable to you, you can understand that this is your child's impulse to learn and calmly provide acceptable alternatives. Your child is showing you that he or she is a keen, lean, learning machine, not a bad boy or girl. You don't have to overdo it with flash cards and super duper toys or activities. You don't want to confuse instead of enrich their lives. Everyday activities such as reading, drawing, talking, and singing can help stretch and stimulate their brains. Things that are interactive with you are the best and you can also have fun growing with your child. Adapted from "The Joy of Children 'by Catholic Charities, Public Policy Committee, 8/00.
The Parent Line: Free statewide phone line for parents and others caring for children. Call for support, encouragement, information, and ideas about handling behavior or about community resources. Mon-Fri 8 a.m.-6 p.m. and Sat 9 a.m.-1p.m. O'ahu Ph. 526-1222. Neighbor Island parents call toll-free: 1-800-816-1222.
H-KISS information line for parents of children 0-3 with special needs. Hours are Monday - Friday 8:30 a.m. - 3:00 p.m. O'ahu: 594-0066; Neighbor Island parents may call toll free: 1-800-235-5477.
Aloha United Way (AUW) 1-800-235-5478. 211: A statewide information and referral service with trained specialists to answer questions, to provide information/refer to over 3000 public and non-profit agencies and programs in Hawaii - toll-free statewide 24 hours.
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SAFETY WORKS
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Riding unrestrained in a car is the number one cause of fatalities in children. Even a low-speed fender bender can kill or cause serious harm to a small child in a lap. There are many excuses for not using child restraints – but none are good excuses. Many children resist staying buckled up, but it is important to remember that no matter how much your child pleads, they must be strapped in. Be firm about this and kids will quickly get the message that this is important. Not only is it important for their safety, it is the law! Toddlers ages 1 to 4 (between 20 and 40 pounds) may use a front facing seat with a harness, though it is safer to have them facing the rear as long as they are comfortable. Children who weigh less than 20 pounds should be kept in rear-facing seats, regardless of age. Beginning January 1, 2007, there will be a new booster seat law in effect. The new law requires that children ages 4-7 ride in a child safety seat or booster seat whenever traveling in a vehicle. The exemptions are if your child is over 4’9 or if the vehicle has lap-only seats belts in the back seat. A child should at least 80 pounds (usually between 8 and 9) before he can safely use adult seat belts. Any child who is 12 years old or younger is safest when properly buckled up in the car’s backseat. This is crucial in vehicles with air bags. For more information, call Keiki Injury Prevention Coalition 537-9200.
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