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Self-confidence is not innate, but is built over time. It is based on a solid foundation of love and trust, which helps a child cope with new problems and master them. Children learn that although taking a risk involves some failures, especially at first, practice leads to new skills. Loving your child for who he/she is and not for what he/she does reduces the pressure to perform perfectly every time. It allows your child to try new experiences without fear of failure.
Here are some suggestions for supporting your child:
- Be a good listener. Acknowledge what your child is saying without putting him/her down, making fun or teasing. What might be humorous to you may embarrass your child, and keep them from trying something new or sharing their feelings. Saying, "What was your favorite part of the story?" or "What did you like best about going to the zoo?" and listening to the answer lets your child know that their thoughts and opinions count.
- Offer encouragement. Focus on what your child is trying to do rather than just on the results. Say, "Wow! I noticed how you were stacking all the blocks up as high as the couch before they fell over. That took lots of tries, didn't it?" Encouragement gives your child the strength to deal with the frustration of learning new skills. Acknowledge effort while your child is doing the activity or as soon afterward as possible. Be specific. Say, "You picked up the phone and talked to Auntie and she could hear you very clearly. I'll bet she was happy to hear your voice." Comments such as "You are a good girl" or "What a nice boy" are not helpful because they are too general and focus on the child's value rather than on specific, helpful information about their behavior.
- Celebrate success and failure. It helps your child's self esteem and sense of competence when you support their efforts, regardless of success or failure. Take the time to teach, and acknowledge each part of a new skill such as riding a tricycle or tying shoes. Don't be too quick to take over and finish a task that your child finds frustrating. Practice is the best way to build confidence and competence in a new skill. Be careful not to use phrases that reward dependence and discourage confidence such as, "Here, let me do that", or "You're too little to try". Instead, encourage your child to do things by and for herself, with your watchful guidance if necessary.
- Respect your child's individuality and help them to discover their own talents. Try not to compare children and avoid competition, if at all possible. A child does not have to be good at something to enjoy it. Expose your child to many different activities and support the ones he chooses.
- Choose activities wisely. Don't overload your child. Allow lots of free time for creative play and join in yourself. Children feel important when grownups play with them. Let your child take the lead in imaginative play and in picking activities. Have fun!
SUGGESTED READING:
- Cleversticks by Bernard Ashley
- Chicken Chickens by Valeri Gorbachev
- You Can Do It, Sam! by Amy Hest
- Make the Team, Baby Duck! by Amy Hest
- Regina's Big Mistake by Marissa Moss
- Not Afraid of Dogs by Suzanna Pitzer
- The Dot by Peter Reynolds
- When I Feel Good About Myself by Cornelia Spelman
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"A PARENT ASKS" |
Q: My son won't stop jumping on the couch. I've told him a million times to stop, but he won't listen. I end up screaming and he ends up in tears. What can I do?
A: Rule #1 is to tell your child what you do want him to do instead of what you don't want him to do. This is hard to remember, especially when you are angry and frus¬trated, but you want to reinforce only the acceptable behavior. For example, say, "Remember the rule: Couches are for sitting. Jumping is for the floor (or outside)." Then when your child tests you, say, "Oops, you forgot the rule: couches are for sitting, jumping is for the floor. It is time for a 3 minute time out." Repeat the rule only once and then move directly to the time out. If you give "chances", your child will probably push you to your limit. And on those wonderful times when your child does follow the rule, tell him what a great job he did following the rule.
Rule #2 is to remain calm (even if you have to pretend!). When you overreact, he overreacts. Instead, give clear and specific directions. You will have many years to practice! Give yourself a time out if that helps. Then try again. (Keep in mind that it is perfectly normal for your son to want to jump and climb. Find a safe and acceptable place for him to use that energy.)
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"PARENTS WANT TO KNOW" |
Helping Your Child With Disabilities Gain Confidence
Creating opportunities for success is an important part of helping your child with special needs develop his potential. At times you may be tempted to do things for him just because it is easier. However, when you jump in, your child misses out on a chance to experience the sense of accomplishment that only comes through his own effort. Find the part of everyday tasks that your child can do with as little assistance as possible.
Choose toys and activities, which allow your child to feel a sense of control and mastery. A young child feels very powerful and is delighted when he pushes a button that makes something happen.
For the child with limited verbal skills, talk about what you are doing and what your child is doing. Emphasize key words. Say, "Oh, you want the apple! Yes, apples taste good! Look, here's another red apple."
Give your child who has motor skill challenges just enough help to accomplish his task. Reinforce the accomplishment as if he had done it independently. For example, hold your child's hand and guide him in cutting paper. Pull back on your help a little bit each time your child becomes more capable. To encourage him, say, "Great job cutting that paper!"
With your highly active and impulsive child, be sure to schedule lots of outdoor play. Whether at the beach, the park, or in your own backyard, active children do best when they can use their energy in positive ways. Look for those moments when your child is doing something right and acknowledge that behavior out loud. For any questions about your child's special needs, call H-KISS at 594-0066 (O'ahu) or 1-800-235-5477 (Neighbor Islands).
The Parent Line: Free statewide phone line for parents and others caring for children. Call for support, encouragement, information, and ideas about handling behavior or about community resources. Mon-Fri 8 a.m.-6 p.m. and Sat 9 a.m.-1p.m. O'ahu Ph. 526-1222. Neighbor Island parents call toll-free: 1-800-816-1222.
H-KISS information line for parents of children 0-3 with special needs. Hours are Monday - Friday 8:30 a.m. - 3:00 p.m. O'ahu: 594-0066; Neighbor Island parents may call toll free: 1-800-235-5477.
SUGGESTED WEBSITES
While books and magazines are a great source for parenting tips, you might also want to try the internet. Your local state library branch is a good resource for free Internet access to parenting information. Be sure to call ahead to reserve a time and bring your library card. Her are some websites you may want to try:
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SAFETY WORKS
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Always supervise children while they are in the tub, around open water, or near swimming pools. Drowning can occur quickly and in shallow water. Don’t depend on lifeguards to watcher your child. Teach young children to swim and have a rule that they must always be with an adult. Have your child wear an approved life jacket al all times when in or around water.
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